I am literally obsessed and it’s destroying me. It started out so innocently. But it spiraled out of control. And fast.
We met at a French cafe, just a few years back. I knew immediately, on the spot, that it was right. It felt right.
I wasn’t really hurting anyone. Not if no one knew.
It started out light, once, maybe twice a week. But then it got more serious.
Very quickly, I was hooked. Every day became bright. Days filled with warmth, an instant smile creeping up on my face as daydreams about the ‘next time’ sent chills down my spine. It was like I needed it, I craved it. It gave me drive, a reason to get up each morning. My energy level was soaring to an all-time high.
But at some point, it started feeling like an addiction. I mean, truly an addiction. I knew how bad it was for me and that I had taken things too far.
I began to toss and turn, as agitation started creeping over me. It took place night after night.
My husband would turn to me in bed and ask, “What’s the matter?” and I’d reply, “Oh, nothing,” knowing perfectly well that it wasn’t true. I stayed up. Couldn’t sleep.
And the more I did it, the more the sleepless nights persisted.
My husband had an inkling of what I had gotten myself into, he just didn’t know how deep into it I really was.
I finally put a stop to things. Cold turkey.
It was one of the hardest things I had ever done, saying goodbye. The craving was there but I just didn’t cave in to it anymore. I stayed focused and strong.
My everyday gloom served as a reminder of the otherwise exciting days of the past. As I passed by our restaurants, our coffee shops, our spots, my olfactory senses would stir up like sugar crystals spinning inside my icy, empty, needing heart, never melting away the pain completely.
I loathed the roads that led to memories. Just to pass by and pick up that scent, the amazing aroma that stirred up images of out recent past together. The contact we had made our first time, and every time thereafter.
And yet I slowly grew more distant, and forced myself away. Because I know it had to be done. I needed to move on.
So, friends, this is my confession.
My love affair.
Afternote: my love affair was recently reignited as I could no longer stay away. Coffee is now back in my life and I am, once again, in love.
Wait, what did you think I was talking about?
If you’d like to read further, I’ve also written about the health benefits of coffee.